Binge (2009)

1/4/09

Jesus I really outdid myself today. I put more crap into my body – I think I set a new record. I must be trying to kill myself. How can something that feels and tastes so good be so bad? I’ve heard people say that when you’re in that state, you’re not really tasting. Well what is it called then? I wouldn’t do it if I weren’t tasting. That makes no sense.

Let’s see. I started out right. Breakfast was two or three small pieces of a multi grain baguette with some promise light. For lunch I had some leftover pasta, shrimp and broccoli with garlic and olive oil. OK I finished with a mouthful of the Wegman’s chocolate bomb left from New Year’s. That wasn’t going to kill me in comparison to what I’ve been eating otherwise. It all started with Thanksgiving. Every year it’s the same. It’s downhill from there.

Anyway, I was hungry in the afternoon and that’s where I went awry. We had this stupid bag of a mix of Doritos, sunchips, prezels and doodles – some kind of cheese lovers cheesy explosive extravaganza. Worked for me. But that was the end of any hopes of caring for my cholesterol. Once the kids went up out came the m&m’s, the skittles, the chocolate chip cookies.. you know I never even let this stuff in usually. That Santa is a jerk. The kids forget they gave it to him and I f=do my best not to remind them. Santa should just stop. You’d think he’d be a little more intelligent than that.

Well I’ve got the VCR set to tape Oprah tomorrow at 4. She “fell off the wagon” too. Maybe we can beat this thing together. The problem is I’m a product of the yo yo era. And I suspect I’m scarred for life. I have no worries that I can’t do it. I’ll gladly get on the elliptical, I know about trans fat and healthy eating. Two months from now I will be wearing my small clothes there is no question about that. But I won’t get rid of the big clothes. That would be a mistake. No matter ho w much I believe I’ve overcome this thing.

My name is Kate Ross. I am 39 and I have many facets as does everyone.

1/5/09

Now I’m trying to wean myself off of the holidays. I always think I can do it and I really can until the “witching hour.” The witching hour is that moment after the kids go to bed when I come downstairs, turn on the TV (we don’t watch it during the day except 4 30 minute kid shows – 2 in the morning and 2 in the evening.) Then I rummage through my kitchen cupboards. After a day of complete nutrition and balance, I manage to screw the whole thing up in a matter of minutes. I’ll eat nuts, chocolate chips, goldfish crackers, nutella with a spoon, marshmallows, peanut butter, basically whatever I can find that will help me to relax. I’m not sure why I need to unwind in such a way, all I know is it feels good. It’s food as drug as they say, and I’m hooked.

So yesterday my idea was to cleanse myself before I get back on my after holiday wagon. I had my cup of coffee, later in the morning a bowl of cheerios. This is not a breakfast I would usually eat when I know I’m going somewhere or am in need of energy. I would spend my morning holding my breath so as not to have my stomach talk over me and embarrass me with its earth shattering rumbles. But I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do this Sunday so some slight starvation seemed like a good idea.